Scuba Diving in China

In perfect honesty, this week has been a battle. I have felt physically exhausted, faced emotional struggles, and have felt spiritually oppressed. It seems my joy that has so easily come in the past two months since moving to China is evading me. However, I made the choice to come here last spring with awareness this year will be difficult. Today I had a revelation of sorts that perfectly describes my feelings and encounters this week, but I think, also captures the vision of how this year will look for me.

Last Christmas, I was blessed with the opportunity to travel with most of my family to the Bahamas. My dad, mom, and brother made the trek to the beautiful Caribbean islands excited to re-visit a place we had been before. However, this trip, we experienced many different things. One particular experience stands out to me as analogous to my year here in China. It was my first deep scuba diving experience. I can truthfully admit I will NEVER forget it! The four of us were up early to meet the bus in front of our time share lobby. We climbed aboard excited for the adventure that awaited us! My parents, having been before, shared several stories and a few pictures of previous experiences diving. My brother and I were anxious to have similar experiences! We had been snorkeling before and shallow water diving in Hawaii, but never deep-sea diving off a boat. I sat on the bus gazing out my window seeing blurs of unfamiliar faces pass by as the bus darted through traffic in downtown Nassau, my mind couldn't help but imagine what this experience would be like! I was as much nervous as I was excited. My nerves stemmed from two specific components of scuba diving: first, the lack of accessibility to fresh air and reliability on a tank several feet below the surface. Fresh air is something not easily accessible because if you quickly come to the top the consequences are the binges. Second component looming in my mind, my vision would be limited. I would be donning the oh-so-attractive goggles essentially limiting my peripheral vision. Um excuse me, how would I watch my back, and sides for sharks?! Noticing my atypical introverted demeanor, my dad began to tease me with my brother chiming in. Nothing irks me more than my brother being better at something than me, or my dad and brother being more capable of something than me. So naturally, in response to their brave and teasing behavior, I stepped it up a notch and jumped out of my nervous fears. I could do this. If they are going to do this, I am going to do this and I am going to love it!! 

The bus pulled up to a small protected lagoon where several open boats rested by the dock. I gave them a thorough assessment as I was directed to a "training" pool sitting above ground and about ten feet around. I giggled, joking with my brother at the "training" lesson we would need to complete in the baby pool before heading out to sea because we were not diver certified. Nonetheless, we completed the lessons, properly demonstrated the hand motions and action of ridding your goggles with water. The water was absolutely freezing even with our wetsuits zipped tight. This was not conducive to the fears escalating from my heart into my tightening throat. Being under water with limited vision was beginning to sink in deep, my teeth were chattering and I was shaking. Determined to remain unaffected by this excursion, I blamed it more on the water than my nerves. After our pool dive, we readied the boat and pushed off out into the windy sea. The wind was something unnoticed sitting in the protected lagoon. But, as soon as our boat reached the mouth of the lagoon, it got rocky. The boat began to crash up and down in an inconsistent pattern with the motion of the waves and wind. I was getting more and more paralyzed by fear at what we were about to do. Oh and it completely did not help that we were taking about a 20 minute boat ride to get to our dive point. Great. More time to sit and let it sink in. Eventually we made it though and they set down the anchor. I remember feeling so shakey and nervous that I had so much trouble slipping my feet into my flippers and tightening the buckles on my oxygen tank. I saw our dive instructor jump in. Holy Cow. I can't breathe- I think I should just stay here on the boat. I remember having the scariest thoughts in my life in those moments leading up to my jump off. I believe I was the second to jump off the boat. And truthfully, if it wasn't for my stubbornness of having my dad and brother following through, I would have simply sat right there on the bench of the boat out of the crashing waves and away from any limitations like goggles and oxygen tanks. Fortunately, my family was expecting me to jump. My dive instructor was expecting me to jump. So, jump I did- with all my insecurities and fears and the paralyzing ideas of "what-might-happen" scenarios debilitating my right state of mind. I hit the icy water. I panicked right-away paddling as hard as I could to get to the top and catch a fresh of breath air. I ripped out my oxygen tank mouthpiece and my goggles. Except, I was not supposed to do that. I immediately felt the affects of taking my goggles off... because of the wind, the waves were too crazy and they were crashing over my head and spraying me making it impossible to see anything. That, plus my breathing was already rushed, so I was gasping for breath in between wave sets. I was in a fight with the water, and let's just say I was not winning! With survival mode kicked into high gear, I replaced my mask and mouthpiece, verbally trying to calm myself down and still my nerves. This is not going well, I'm not going to make it down. I remember thinking. My parents, natural with this thing, were following the diving instructor to the anchor line and beginning to submerge themselves following it to the bottom of the ocean floor. I sat there scrambling in the waves waiting for someone to help me. I was not going to make it on my own down there- that was for darn certain. Being the instructor that he is, my dive instructor counted and found one missing, he turned around and caught a glimpse of me. I'm almost certain his thought was "oh boy, we got one of those in the group". He came over and gave me some hand signals. I believe he said, "you, me, going down together, stayed locked in here (the eyes)" or else he was just saying you and i have the same color eyes. Although considering the circumstances, I'm almost certain it was the former :)
So follow him I did. He attached my hands to the anchor rope, and he undid a bit of the air in my lifejacket. Every ounce of me wanted to rebel against him for insisting I go down. He walked me one hand after the other down the rope. My only focus- breathe in, breathe out. I was speaking to myself as I followed his direction. Suddenly my flippers came against resistance and I saw them send grainds of sand flying. I was at the bottom. I tried to convince myself not to look up- but owph. It was too late. I stared at the circulating water way overhead- we were about 30-40 feet down. I swallowed, Oh boy. I continued repeating, "breathe in, breathe out". I am fully convinced that if I hadn't, I would have died down there for lack of breathing!! I made eye contact with my mom, dad, and brother. All of whom seemed perfectly at ease wearing expressions, "isn't this cool". I just moved my arms to the side of my body as if to balance or draw stability. My senses were on high alert and I stayed about an inch from my instructor (or as close as I could) in position for an emergency to occur. I didn't want to look too closely at one area of coral for fear of getting left behind by our small pod. I didn't try anything adventurous... my mind continued to coax my body to breath, and eyes continued drting left to right, up and down assessing the sea-situation at all times. (There will be no sharks that attack without my prior knowledge!) I saw my brother begin to adventure on his own and it hit me in the middle of our dive, I was missing the most beautiful part of diving because I was so concentrated on my fears of what might happen. I missed everything that actually was happening. I couldn't remember and still can't remember what the first part of the dive was like. Were there fish around? What coral did I see? I couldn't tell you because I didn't see what was right in front of me- I was paralyzed by what could be. I could run out of oxygen.... so I shouldn't breathe too deep. I could run into a shark... so I should know where everything is at all times. Every possible situation came to my mind and I was acting on the defense. At this realization, I began to wander further from the scuba instructor. I began to try communicating via hand signals with my brother and I even checked out an old plane crash sight. I began to enjoy the experience instead of fear it, resent it, or bypass it. I forgot to tell myself to breathe toward the end... I was doing it naturally.

Tonight, as I sit here in my apartment in Changchun, China, I see that experience as comparable to here. In deciding to come to China, I was scared out of my mind. I had so many things of well "if this, then that" situations running through my mind. It wasn't just going to China that I was deciding... the decision also meant closing doors to many other things I wasn't sure I wanted to close the door on yet or limit my options by making this one decision. I didn't feel ready. I was in a paralysis of fear and "if,then" statements. Similar to my jump from the boat to the water. Everything crossed my mind from a shark attack to my goggles filling up with too much water I would drown, just as everything from relationships to loans crossed my mind in deciding to come here. The sea was rocky when I needed to make my decision to "jump" or come here to China. Yet, it was clear, that was the expectation. I was expected to join my family under the sea. Just as the Father expected I obey when I heard the call.

The instructor is similar to my Savior in this story. He has gone before, and He is with me beckoning me to take the plunge. Because just as this scuba diver knew the treasures laying below the surface, so too the Father knows the treasures in store for me here. When I made it into the water, I freaked! Just as finally after two months of being here in China ("the water"), I am freaking out. I miss home, I have a week vacation coming up next week and I was recently asked, "how do you want to spend it?" My first thought was, I want to go home. However, in my moment of freaking, the scuba instructor was able to see my panic and fear and address those by providing dependency and ultimately, looking me in the eye saying I'm right here, let's do this, follow my lead. In my state of panic here in China, I feel the Father seeing me, coming to me, and saying the same words to me. So here we go on this journey together. I went down with the instructor's instructions and found myself pleasantly surprised right where I needed to be- on the ocean floor ready too move around. So, I too will go with the Father through this year, with times of finding myself perfectly and pleasantly within His peaceful will. He will show me the treasures that await after the plunge, He will give me the confidence to move forward, doing things I've never done before. In my moment of fear, panic, uncomfortability, He will provide the "locked-in" hand signal and move with me through the whipping winds, and tumultuous waves. Although I find myself fearful here because my vision is limited of the future, my awareness of this culture is minuscule, and my adequacy to teach and share Hope is lacking, He had a divine and beautiful purpose in asking me to "jump off the boat" and place my trust and existence in His Hands. Because even Job, of all people, had the humility after all He endured to say to the Father, "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You (the Father) asked, 'who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. "you (the Father) said, "Listen now, and I will speak, I will question you, and you shall answer me.'" My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you, Therefore, I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes." (42:1-6).

Just as in the diving experience, my eyes had not previously beheld the beautiful array of fish and sea life I would encounter by trusting and submerging myself, so too have my eyes not beheld the wonderful, marvelous works of His Hands coupled with trustfully following Him to China. So, for now, I sign off, trusting my mouthpiece, oxygen tank, goggles and Instructor to see me through to the dawning of His Heavenly perspective.