A Grieving, Heavy Heart

Oh man.... tonight. Today is Sunday, and the whole day was filled with catching up on grading assignments. Except, it takes a quadrillion times longer to record grades when you are matching up the Chinese characters of their name to the assignment- rough go, lemme tell ya. Anyways, tonight was fellowship. And fellowship was marked by a time of learning. As it rightfully should be.

In starting out the night with praise, we listened to three songs that really hit me hard. Prior to these three songs, we read through 1 John 1:3-5 and Ephesians 4:1. The words "with all humility" and "eager to maintain unity of the Spirit" gripped me. A little background, the past week, our girls' team has been tested and hit hard with mis-communications and disunity. The enemy was coming in on us, but the Spirit was protecting. We found peace in intercession and discussion. Praise Him for calming the waters before it became detrimental to our team's work here on campus. He delivered us. Walking into fellowship tonight with that trailing me, it was no surprise that those words jumped out at me. I was hit hard this week with the lesson of humility in times of disagreement and mis-communication. I am not always right- a hard thing for me, a stubborn person, to swallow. Nevertheless, He literally moved me to my knees on Friday afternoon as He called me out on this aspect of sin in my life. My futile defensive nature in times of conflict is not of Him. My heart breaks, knowing I was practicing something in my life distancing myself from Him. The second set of words, "eager to maintain unity of the Spirit" is equally fitting. In His purpose for me and my teammates here, it is of the utmost importance to seek and display unity of the Spirit. The past week, I in particular was not pursuing this. I did not do everything I could to pray against the lies of the enemy or act in a way protective of my teammates. I was blessed that these words were used tonight to open up fellowship.

After these verses, we listened to three songs,  the first is called "mourning for the bridegroom". I have never heard this song before, but I can't begin to tell you how beautiful it sounded to me tonight. The words cut deep into me as I sat in the presence of the community, and His Spirit. It talks about mourning the Bridegroom when He is taken away and boldly proclaiming to wait here, fast for him, and mourn for him until His return. I felt a heaviness in my heart as I sat there with my eyes closed and tears quietly falling. We as His body are not complete here in this temporary home. We are without our Bridegroom-yes, we have the mark of His Spirit- the deposit of His return, but He has not returned to claim those that are His. We are missing the most important part of us- physically absent from our Lover. We are the beloved without the lover. In the absence of the lover, the beloved is sick for her lover. She wants so desperately to be united with Him and yearns for the glorious re-uniting. Aren't we to wait and live life out here in this same passionate and aching yearning? Shouldn't we embrace the ache of a lovesick heart? If we are completely satisfied, fulfilled, or complete here in this world, then we are not His children. We are a bride without her bridegroom... therefore, we should live everyday with anticipation of His beautiful return to claim His bride! We should feel out of place, incomplete, unfulfilled and unsatisfied because while yet we can be filled by His Spirit here, we will not be made complete until He returns and takes us Home. This convicted me tonight of His love for us, and how our love for Him should look. We are to be mourners of our bridegroom. Full of passion, hope, love, and an unmet sense of wholeness. The words of the next two songs continued to penetrate my heart.... the song "you won't relent" left me asking the Father for oneness, and I had an overwhelming sense of grief consume me as I sat there listening to Casting Crowns sing "your love, is extravagant, your friendship, intimate". My grief came from my lack of understanding, my lack of awareness of Him in the past. While I still have a very limited view of Him, the Great I am, I see things of His character and love now that I have never seen or understood before. Everything is dependent on Him. Nothing matters apart from Him. I have worked in so many like-minded places- camps, fellowships, campuses, etc. And there have been lives that I have influenced in some way or another, yet I can see and remember that I did not love them the way I should have. I did not serve them like Him. I did not see them like Him. I did not tell them about Him as adamantly as I should have. I did not show them Him. There are people I simply allowed to fall off my radar- hearts gone un-pursued. My heart was burdened as names and faces washed over my mind for those I didn't seem to care enough about- so many people I didn't show the true love of the Father too. He wasn't big enough in my life, and I wasn't small enough. In all truth, there is nothing in this world worthy of our time. He is the Only thing important and deserving of our time. Paul says it perfectly, "So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in His law' but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man (woman) I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to Him- through His Son!" (Ro 7:21-25). Do we get it? He CREATED us!! Simply by speaking WORDS into being! How can we let this just slide by as a "component of life"? How can we just let each other slide by?! How could I not allow this to penetrate me, shaking me to the core before? The truth??  If we are mourners for a bridegroom, all those around us would be aware of what we LIVE for! We should be living in a eternity-minded way causing us to only focus on things of eternity. We would be SIGNIFICANTLY bothered by friends or family around us not professing His name with us because we would see that they will not be joining us in eternity! Often times our perspective is so narrow it sees only this life- well, we're young- there's still time. HECK NO! It says in the Word, that that "time" will come like a thief in the night, and even those that say "Father, Father" will be told "depart from me, I never knew you". It doesn't say that those who never knew Him would be turned away! It says, He never knew them. AKA... even if one claims to "know" the Father, they may still not be saved. For narrow is the path to eternity and few shall follow it. Why are we not burdened with the salvation of those around us?! For this reason, I have been burdened tonight with the salvation of many people I have encountered over the years; yet, I rejoice, because even in my failings and selfish ways of the flesh, His work is redemptive and overcomes my shortcomings! May His work always be overwhelming my selfish ways, pressing on to grip His sheep with the piercing of His own flesh. Because the beauty of it all, is "though the Son died, He didn't die forever! Put him in a tomb and three days later, blood on a cross, and He rose again! Dip me in His blood and He washed away my sins, Praise Him, I'm born again"!!

My heart grieves for those that aren't aware of Him, the One and Only that they need and seek for so desperately! We were made for His love and nothing else's!! I hope in reading this you will be encouraged to find yourself so drawn to the Son and His work on the Cross that you will pursue His Word, and consequently, find your life become radically changed,  ruined for the ordinary and you will find yourself yearning with a permanent ache in your heart for your Lover to return to claim you, His beloved, on a Glorious Day of Triumphant Return!

As I sign off, I am quietly awed by the work of the Spirit. Tonight, my heart is heavily burdened for the Bride.... and my teammate Megan received truth a couple days ago from a like-minded friend at home telling her that her heart was about to get really heavy for the Bride... well it looks like this team is feeling and carrying the same burdens. May we always be this closely knit- testament to the Father working in us!