Broken, Contrite Heart

My autumn pumpkin spice candle glows with vibrancy against the stark darkness enveloping my living room. I take a deep breath as my fingers tap out these words. My body is exhausted. My heart is exhausted. My mind is exhausted. A very difficult week has just commenced. As I reflect here on my couch, I see a lot of eye-opening moments and love encounters with the Father; but, I also see a lot of fire. Fortunately, the final feeling presiding over the others as I reflect, is a feeling of humble, quiet thankfulness. I don’t think it is simple irony that it is the month of November either.

Settling into our routines here at Hua Qiao, this week was anything but marked with the trend of normalcy we began to expect. Our team has been faced with some difficult things. And the Father in all His Sovereignty and Mercy, is proving his hand is faithful even in the fire. In light of our current team circumstances, my initial reaction was anger and disappointment in the Father to allow this first week of November to bring with it what it has. The ominous question of why weighed so heavily in my heart as it brought my knees crashing to the floor for the light to dawn. This week I was hit with how the difficult and delicate the balance of asking something of the Father in full confidence of faith and acknowledging His Sovereignty can be. In the past, when I have come to the throne room to ask for various things near and dear to my heart, I often times feel foolish because there is this back part of my head and heart resigning to defeat. While the Father is capable, current circumstances would usually dictate my lack of faith in asking for a different outcome. So, this week as an opportunity arose to ask for something, I approached it differently than the past. I was encouraged by a friend to pray with full confidence of faith continuously. So, with dedication I pleaded with the Father. It seemed I had completely changed my tactics. I was doing what His Word says; I was asking in full confidence of His power. And why shouldn’t we?! We serve a Father who is beyond our comprehension in power, might, and ability! I didn’t want to ask for “His will be done”; I was convinced that in the past I had not asked in full assurance of His ability. This time I poured out my heart with the knowledge that His will would be the outcome I asked for because my faith was sincere and full of hope! However, the Father did not answer the way I expected. At this point, I felt complete betrayal. I am asked to believe my Father is the same Father of the NT, so why then when I ask Him to show that my faith is well-placed does He appear to disappoint me? In thought time this week with my team, my eyes saw the dawning of light reflecting my sinful attitude toward the Father. I was being ignorant of His Sovereignty. My team leader, Val, prayed something that resonated deep within the ignorant and fleshly caverns of my heart that I will never forget. She said, “Praise you Father, for you have brought complete healing here”. I stiffened, “Complete healing?!” That is not…. Wait. Stop. Complete healing?! Was that not what I had prayed for so passionately?! It was true. The Father in His character of the NT brought me exactly what I asked for- a divine healing! This week He showed me the grace and mercy of His character in the NT. The NT’s purpose is to show the sacrifice and work of the Son and the final destruction of the law! It displays freedom and redemption. Well, many begged for the Son to remain in the World, but the Father had a more glorifying plan. And this week, he reminded me of exactly this, His complete sovereignty.

I sit here missing home, reeling from the week, but in total thankfulness for being here in China or what our team has called the “incubator”. Anyways, like I mentioned earlier, there were definitely reasons to be praising His Holy name! I went to dinner with two of my girls on Thursday evening and one of them is a twin. I don’t have her twin in my class, but her twin was able to come to dinner so that I could meet her and I fell in love with these girls! Absolutely adorable!! I asked them to come over sometime and I can cook them an American meal and they were so surprised and honored it was adorable! The twins’ English names are: Julia and Julian! Haha At first, when my student, Julian, introduced her sister, Julia, to me, I thought she was just saying her own name again. They also told me that they are roommates, but also sleep in the same bed. I can’t imagine having someone that close to me! I mean, what a blessing to have someone that special in your life where you always can count on one another! Really makes me miss my twin friends Wendy and Jenny and the beautiful sister/friendship they share! I also had the opportunity to eat lunch with my student Grant. Grant cracks me up. I was waiting outside the dining hall for him to get out of class and he literally like bolted out of nowhere and about ran into me when he arrived! And then he didn’t say anything just had this huge goofy grin plastered on his face. I just laughed- then he says “sorry my English- it is poor”. I tried to re-assure him, but then he brought up Sunday night. Sunday night I was making copies in the student store with a teammate of mine and I saw Grant! I went up to him and asked how he was doing. He just stared at me for a few minutes and then walked out. Hahhaha Oh my goodness you should’ve seen my face! I was so confused! What just happened!? Trying to brush it off, I headed back to my apartment. When I got back, I saw a text on my phone from Grant that read “Sorry teacher, I did not know what to say- I got so nervous!” Um, okay! Tell me that doesn’t just melt your heart! The poor kid had an English-speaking panic attack and bolted! And here he was bringing it back up when we were about to have lunch! Well, Grant understands quite a bit of English, he just gets a bit tongue-tied as I found out during the lunch! He had a great sense of humor however, which was refreshing! Often with my students, it is hard to find humor because communication is so limited! But, Grant was a different story entirely! Among these blessings, I will also be getting up early tomorrow to meet about five of my students! I asked them to come to my apartment and make dinner together. Then I received a text message this week from one of them, Susan, saying “Teacher, we will meet you outside your dormitory at 9:30 in the morning Saturday”. Uh, hold up!! Didn’t I say dinner?! Well, so is the Chinese way! They always begin things really early like this! When you make plans, they are at the minimum two hour events! So, I am in for a complete whirlwind tomorrow I am sure, but I have a batch of cookies to share with them and I am ready as ever to just be loved on and love these guys! Please be lifting up Susan, and Jack Black today as we enjoy the Saturday together! Blessings on your Friday! May you find this month bringing you hard to your knees in humility and thankfulness!