48 days... Stage 1: Shock

I officially have 48 days left in China. I will be moving back to America at the end of June... and the "closing" of the chapter of living in China has got me in a tailspin/whirlwind where I can't seem to get my head on straight (So be warned- this blog post may reflect this by jumping from thing to thing)

I think to clearly capture what's going on in me right now, I would have to say what I said in my one-on-one meeting with my team leader Valerie... I explained as best I could that I am realizing a pattern of stages that I hit in the "process" leading up to transitions. In humble honesty, I'm kinda a stud at transition once the actual "transition" move has been made, however, for a time period prior to the actual transition, I'm a bit of a mess. For example, before moving to China, I was on edge with most things and most people in my daily life. I couldn't go a day without finding something to argue about with my mom or dad, and then within the flip of a switch I became super emotional! My parents probably would testify the month of July, I was quite the disaster. I couldn't make decisions, and I felt numb and incapable of clearly organizing things within the organization of my mind. Similar to this, this past month, I have been all over the place! And I have dutifully recognized the first stage of me experiencing transition is a stage of "shock". The idea of something crazy/new/different/unknown/exciting/scary happening next in life hits me, but not in a "pre-greiving" sort of way.. it's more like the defense mechanism of being in state of shock where I remain numb to the goings' on around me! In normal everyday life, if I have an assignment or something I need to accomplish, I am completely incapable of attacking this thing if I have not first created/found a clean space in which to work. Take college for example: when I had a paper to write, it was absolutely mandatory to first clean my area of the room in order to begin the writing process (if I was going to work in the room). It is as if what is going on out here in my existing space would be reflecting in the existence space of my mind (if that makes sense lol)

So, as I see the days dwindle down here on my time left in China, I can only really pinpoint one feeling right now: Stage 1: shock. The past month, I have not felt capable of moving within the confines of my mental space. There is no room up there to process, to think deeply, to feel deeply and to remain pressed in to the investment I've made on the campus since August. In light of this self-discovery the past two weeks, I have labored in thought and action to kick this "shock stage" in the butt before my time here has passed me by and it becomes too late. So what does this "kicking in the butt" look like? Well, I'm just going to hafta tell you to read on..... :)

1. Choose Love: His Love...Teaching is not my biggest passion. It's not a dream of mine, and never has really been on my radar. However, I am learning so much from beginning my career journey with this first job. As an adult, my parents have warned me jobs are not always fun, and you don't always have the opportunities to do work you love. [huge upset as a recent college grad living in blissful ignorance! psh] I can hear my dad's voice now, "Because Courtney, when you get married and have kids, you get bills, and those kids go to college and they have needs, and your need is to work a job that will allow you to provide and cover those bills" ( I love my diligent, hard-working and generous parents :) And it hasn't been until this year that I have seen personal evidence testifying to this wise advice. While the Father called me to this year of work in China, He has been steadfast in reminding me I committed to work the full 11 months... not 8 months, not 6 months but all 11 of them! Teaching is my work for these 11 months. And not just teaching to get from lesson to lesson until the weekend hits, but to actually give my absolute best inside the 2 hours of all 8 classes I teach weekly... it means to be fully committed to staying present by listening when a student raises his/her hand to answer a question and drones on and on in broken English about something I'm not quite sure I understand... and it means walking circle after circle around the classroom tenderly monitoring classroom activities to promote fluent English... and it means being patient when students make a mistake they have been making alllllll year long... and it means smiling my biggest and brightest smile each and every morning I walk into a classroom... and it means getting on my knees over my students daily... and it means choosing to be 'energetic Courtney' each and every lesson even if it's the 7th time I've taught it... because THESE things... THIS job is what will reap fruit that would last eternity... one smile each day may be the difference for one student between life and death- and THIS is the work He has called me to even  in the final days when I am ticking the seconds off until I get to be back to America!

2. Choose More student time! I believe any ELIC teacher would affirm me in this... that the joy of teaching truly lies in the Chinese students you teach! Each day I walk outside with an "Eeyore" demeanor, I am truly struck by how quickly and easily an interaction with a student will clear away the rainy clouds brewing around me. THEY are and have always been the biggest joy I've had in coming to teach and work here in China. They are the light in each day bringing me in front of the Father with awe and how He loves me through them! To maintain "my aim" of fulfilling the work the Father has for me up to the last minute, I have continued to pursue and dig into my relaitonships with students.

For example, last Friday, I literally went on a run with two of my students. Except, when my student asked me to meet her for a "run", I was anticipating a run... sweat, quick-pace, heavy-ish breathing ya know the whole nine yards!! Except, be careful to get your hopes up when a students asks to go on a run with you because a "run" to Chinese students is VASTLY different than a run-date with an American friend. So, last Friday, I showed up to the front gate at 3:40 pm. I see my student, Zero, but she is not dressed appropriately by any standards... She is wearing khaki pants, a nice sweater and a jacket over her sweater. Okay, keep in mind, winter has been over for a few weeks now, and I am currently dressed in a running tank and shorts... So I jog up to her and she asks me, "are you going to be cold?" Psh girl do you see this amazing beautiful beach weather we have today- come on take the layers off and let the sun give you golden kisses today! This response would have confused her however, so I shake my head no and we move onward toward the street. We grabbed her classmate, Green, and we start up. Except literally THIS WAS THE SLOWEST RUN I HAVE EVERRRRR BEEN ON (and I'll admit it- in high school/college I had some "slacker" moments in me and would go on pre-competition runs where I barely jogged faster than a comfortable walking pace) But NO!! This run was the slowest I have ever moved in my life! As I realized we weren't naturally picking up the pace, I inwardly laughed and wished I could have filmed what was happening. We barely moved along the street and this carried on for about 15 minutes. Now, 15 minutes is not very long to most people... but this was the slowest 15 minutes in my whole life! I was so incredibly bored at this pace and my poor girls could hardly get out words in between their heavy breathing! As we approached the end of the street, we turned around and walked, yes walked, back to the school. These sweet girls wanted to continue running for an hour, but I just didn't see how that was a possibility when we were moving like molasses in the first 15, and then they just stopped running! But then, they shocked the socks off me when they asked if I wanted to grab ice cream from dining hall 2 on the way back to my apartment. I was in shock... first we hardly burned any calories and then they wanted to be treated! haha it was a good time though because as we walked to the dining hall, we got on the topic of boys- haha typical for  girls' :) And as always they asked me if I wanted a boyfriend or if I had one... much to their disappointment I said of course not! And then, He gave me boldness to explain a little about that subject matter in relation to my Hope. As I shared a little of who He was, I asked if they knew who He was. Both replied negatively.. and in the unknown of this person, they begin to ask what He's like... and my favorite question:

"Is He kind?" I practically SCREAMED YES!!!!! They asked a few more questions and just as suddenly as the topic of Him surprised me by it's arrival-it was quickly gone! Oh but just a glimpse of conversations like these show me the eternal work I get the priveledge of investing in for the next 48 days! What a gift! And it is only really evident if I continue to surround myself with my students- they are a great reminder to the Father's goodness and purpose in keeping me here for each of the 48 more days left!

3. Choose Laughter. One of my favorite things is LAUGHTER! And I'm sure those that have spent a day or more around me know that I'm quick to laugh at myself and at life in general because making people laugh and enjoy life is one of my greatest pleasures! Laughter can easily be lost when I am in this shell-shock stage of transition. But today as my English Corner proved once again, laughter is easily one of the best remedial medicines!

I woke up this morning with just extra pep in my step and it carried throughout the rest of my day- I even curled my hair and dressed up a bit because today was just too good a day to just walk through it- nope, I decided I was going to "sashay" through it with sass, smile and an easy laugh! So walking around campus with my curled hair and my 'nicest' China outfit I had an extra air of confidence. Father is good- He has been good to delight in me and whisper Truth over beauty and identity in me- but that's a sidenote! Anyways, as I was walking to my English Corner, I took the path by the lake instead of the boring granite walkway. As I walked along, I came across a group of my students and one of the girls grabbed my hands stopping me, exclaiming with a sigh, "Uh I just love you!" And then in her shy embarrassment she let go and giggled walking away with the group! And I laughed! It was a beautiful feeling, to just laugh at the way they see me and enjoy my presence- now that  is from the Father! Praises! Later in the English Corner, I taught on the subject of Poetry. I taught my students several poems by Shel Silverstein and Robert Frost. I read these poems to the class with gusto, energy, and passion using my voice and hand motions capitalizing on the sensory impressions of the 8 students sitting in the class! I wanted to really enjoy class!! And in my unexpected passion, I found myself laughing with my students and truly enjoying the play on words these two poets created in their work! We rounded out the poetry lesson with timed tongue twisters and I ran through the tongue twister as fast as I could for my students and we laughed so hard over my stuttering and stammering once I got going well into the poem. Yes, Laughter was sweet to the taste today!

4. Choose Today! I cannot stress how important this lesson has been in remaining present here and not allowing the transition of moving back to America to overwhelm me! I have so many fears, anxieties, doubts and worries that cloud my mind marking my mental space 'unusable' and something as simple as choosing to live today can be the easy release on those clouding thoughts! About a week ago, I had a head to head collision with this thought. I was going nuts over worrying, and anxieties about my future next year with Dallas & moving, finances and leaving China. Finally, I got ahold of my dad via skype and began to unload all my unprocessed fears and anxieties. He in his great father-ness had the Father's words that were like balm to my tired and anxious soul. My dad encouraged me to focus on today... because I only have today. The Word says today has enough worries of it's own- so it is not worth worrying about tomorrow. Along with this encouragement, the Sword points out the Father's great ability to care for even the sparrows! So as children, how much more is He willing to care for us?!

Along with the encouragement to focus on today, my dad spoke straight from the Spirit about enjoying my time here and not allowing the "process of transition" to overtake my work and focus here in the following 50 or so days. He encouraged me that just as the Father had a unique plan for this year in spending it working/serving abroad in China, so to does He have a Sovereign, good and exciting plan for what comes next. And in that next plan, He will make my paths straight providing for me as I go. As my dad said, it is important to remember the ways in which He has made your past paths clear and directed... He is not a Father of confusion- He wants to reveal His plans to us and in this, I just need to have true faith and confidence that "each morning will bring me Word of His unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way in which I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, Oh Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit Lead me on level ground!" Ps 143


So... those are a few thoughts of how daily life has looked for me the past few weeks, and I hope you are encouraged to find the same true for you in whatever transitions you face! Be blessed!