How will I say Goodbye?

I really really miss home. Can I say that when I officially am within the 2 week mark of coming home, and so much of my heart seems to be breaking?

I miss my friends who know me and have walked next to me during many seasons of my life, and I miss being able to get a hug from my Dad's strong arms... the arms that have and will continue to protect me until I find the man whose last name I will take. I miss spending late nights processing with my mom everything on my heart that she so easily hears and responds too. I miss cheering on my brother from the stands, who sees me better than anyone else except for my parents. I miss seeing my sister and Jimmy and my new baby nephew Riley. I miss these things. And so soon will they come that often times I can't wait for the day. But then there comes this thundering, shattering ripple of pain....

My heart is breaking. As much as I miss these things and wait in anticipation of flying home, my heart can't ignore how it has been completely captivated & filled by each of my students. My students are finally realizing that life will not remain this way forever, and that very shortly I will be leaving them permanently. Many of them can't quite fathom what that means, to never return to China. (And between me and you, I can't either- while my work is about done on this campus, I hope I'm not saying goodbye to China forever) Today broke my heart more than any other day I've been here.

Last night when I was sleeping, I had an attack from the enemy. I couldn't breathe any air out of my lungs and was suffocating. I could only take in breaths but I couldn't exhale them. I couldn't breathe. I kept thinking, I'm having a panic attack, I can't breathe. I'm gonna die from not being able to breathe! And I was not fully awake, but I was well aware of this feeling. And finally, the enemy released his hold and I exhaled. The rest of the night was restless. My nights have been going on in this manner for the past week. (Which explains my late night post- I can't sleep, or maybe I don't want to for fear of attacks again?) Well, anyway, all this to say much of this is due to the enemy's greatest desire to distract me in the final moments. He's seeking to draw me into selfishness, and anxiety about home, and the future. Anything he can do to prevent me from being fruitful up until the moment I walk onto that plane. But guess what?! I have a Redeemer that ALREADY IS victorious. And it's in this power I walk my final days.

After my rough night, I went to work this morning. I had make-up exams scheduled for the noon break and afternoon periods. Last week I was sick and missed giving Friday exams. So today, I had my students come to my office to make them up. So this Friday class is my absolute favorite class, despite being scheduled during the worst time for a class- Friday afternoon, the last periods. But this class has gumption! They have so much spunk in their personalities that it's always a sure thing that when I walk into class it's going to be a chaotic beautiful 2 hours. We laugh, we joke, we learn, we laugh some more, we mis-communicate, we sing- it's truly a beautiful relationship. Especially considering how after my very first week with them back in September I deemed them my worst class. Anyways, so today they come to my office, knock on my door and all 30 or so heads peek through the door together. I have to smile at their bright smiley faces! Kyla comes in first and she says, "teacher, we know you will go back to your home soon and you will not come back to china. We are so sad to hear this, but we wish you every happiness with your family. We want to give this to you for remembrance of our class" And then she hands me the most beautiful gift I could have ever received. (I truly believe this was a gift sent from above... my Father knows how I need love and what this year has meant to me)

She hands me a journal. Knowing I had many students to run through oral exams with, I thank her and set it down without looking in it. (Besides, Chinese culture says it's a little inappropriate to open gifts in front of each other like in America) So I get down to business. And as each student comes in, they impress me with their preparedness. And many of them finish the exam only to express to me with pleading eyes, saying "teacher I will miss you. it is such a pity you must leave us". One girl stopped me, looked me dead in the eye and tears began to form. And she didn't know what to say or do. She just stared at me- our hearts had the conversation our words could not. She would miss me, and never forget me. I would miss her, and could never forget her or this year. Our threads have crossed over in the tapestry of life made by the Good Creator to never be un-stitched. Her eyes expressed exactly the emotions of why I chose to come here. Why any of us come here- there is a brokenness in this world that the Redeemer wants to bind up and create a light and hope even in the face of goodbyes or loss. She slowly turned and walked out. I tried to hold it together through the last exams and as the last student walked out, they open the door again. This time all ten of the boys in my class were peering their heads in my office smiling. "Goodbye teacher!"

"Goodbye" I say as my heart drops.

I turn back to my desk and see the journal Kyla had given me on behalf of her class. I slowly open it. As I turn the first page, I know exactly what they had given me. They put a piece of my heart back in it's place. The journal is full of a yearbook of them. Each page has one student's picture and a personal letter written by each one of them to me. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I breathed in the hope the Father was confirming in my heart... "He who began a good work in me will carry it out until completion" He impacted the students in this HR class... His name was made known to them for the first time in their lives, and they will never be the same. Similarly, His name has been made known to one specific girl in our Word Study. My study time with these two best friends has cast the same sense of heartbreak over me the past two weeks. These girls only recently began to study with me, one is a sister, the other is not. But tonight, I made them homemade tacos. They ate it up enjoying this exotic taste of mexican food. And as we finished our meal, the Spirit prepared us for a conversation that I will never forget. Before I knew it, I was pouring my heart out to these two girls. I shared with them struggles of mine that I've hardly shared with my good friends. I shared my deepest pains of the past and present, and as my heart was laid at their feet with tears in my eyes (stupid girl emotions :), I experienced the greatest gift of hope... the girl that is not a sister picked up my heart, cherished it, and handed hers back to me. She said, "because you have shared these things with me, I want to share with you some things about me." I can truly only thank the Spirit for my embarrassing display of unexpected emotion sharing my past & present heartaches. Because, he used it for good. He used it to gain this girl's trust. She opened her heart to me, and in my eyes, that's the beginning steps of opening her heart to Him. She has been reading through John, and I can see the marks of pain from the past on her life. But I know, she too, will never be the same since she has opened the door to let the Spirit come in and move. I have an eternal hope for this girl. I believe she will come to hope, and ultimately, her life will never be the same. By sharing with me her deepest tragedies, I can only hold them close in my soul and protect them by laying them at the feet of a Healing Redeemer.

Following this study with these two girls, I decided to spontaneously go on a night run around the track. I got out there jamming to Caleb & Sol's new cd (which you SHOULD check out!), two laps down when I came running up to one of my students... Diana. Diana is a stick of dynamite! This girl reminds me so much of my own independent, opinionated stubbornness. I get such a kick when I am around here... and tonight was no different. We spent the next hour walking lap after lap, our talking matching the circular path of our footsteps. Most of the time we spent laughing at ourselves. And it felt so good. This girl is special to me in many ways because she is technically supposed to be a sophomore. But after emotional issues last year, she left halfway through her freshman year to go home, and then returned back to school (my class) this spring. She has such a joy and livelihood about her, but on the same token, she also has such a deep ability to struggle and hurt. Her Aunt is actually a sister, and so we have had many conversations about Hope. None have actually materialized into heart change though. She is like most Chinese students... focused on self-achievement and success. Language, career, accolades all of which she is chasing. And tonight, she found an hour of freedom, enjoying a conversation and temporarily forgetting the mound of "work" she must complete later. Yes, this girl needs Hope. She needs true love and a true sense of identity.... I also have hope that she doesn't stand much ground to the roar of our Lion. He will continue to pursue these daughters. And as I wrap up the season where I have the privilege of pouring into them, I walk in confidence that His work in them does not stop with my departure.

So I say again, I will never be the same. I recently read an article (http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2012/03/26/the-other-side-of-global-missions/) that claims as you go out on kingdom work, you think you go to change others lives, "when really He calls us to take Hope to the nations not just so we can change the nations, but so the nations can change us. That's the other side of global Work---whatever change we seek for others is often nominal in light of the change in our own lives. These two sides of the same coin are the essence of Father's global mandate---make field workers of all peoples, and in doing so you yourself will be a field worker."Yes. I have been forever changed. My students took my broken heart at the beginning of the year, the Father healed it through their easy and un-yielding flow of love over me . And in this healing, I find a new brokenness at the end. A brokenness that is beautiful. A brokenness that boasts unconditional love on a two-way street. The kind of love that people spend their whole life chasing. And He gave it to me in the most unlikely of places... the hearts' love of so many Chinese university students. Now, one question remains to loom over me,

How will I say goodbye?