I'm a D/I

"Life is a dance, we learn as we go"- this line is truly one of my most favorites from a great country song because it is simply  true.

I'm constantly learning. I love learning, but it's hard. Recently, I've been learning more about myself. In my Spiritual Life class, we have an Integration paper due this week that synthesizes the material of the course with our personal experiences. Rough-in the best way possible. To write the paper, we are asked to reflect on our previously written essays, and a personality test we took in class (a day I just happened to miss- oops!) Today, I took the test, and sat down to process. The test is called the DISC, and I happen to tie in two of the categories: D & I.... here are my results:

I am equally both categories.... and for those that REALLY know me.... this couldn't be more accurate. I love challenges and taking charge of people. Since I was little, I've always liked being the leader. I love change- new faces, projects and both the idea and being of impulsive. (hello Uganda and China). I work impulsively (best procrastinator and best results typically come under pressure-that's me). Because I like new things, I can struggle with dependability. I most definitely always fight via confrontation. I hate when people skirt around issues or their feelings, and I think being direct is the best way to resolve something. I don't like confrontation in a negative sense but I generally have great admiration for people who handle confrontation with a positive direct approach. In every way possible, I hate the status quo... aka why I refuse "bandwagons" for movies.... I will never watch Lord of the Rings... and I generally will choose something for it's rarity rather than it's popularity. Because of this, it really irks me when change can't be made- I like results, so not being able to affect the results is a killer for me. Being stuck in a rut is something I also detest. I also fear losing control. All this to say, I generally like to motivate, and lead others while being a one-of-a-kind type. (which I suppose could be paradoxical :)

The fear of losing control was an interesting aspect that I wanted to evaulate more. In this Spiritual Life class, we have been stripped of our pre-conceived notions and asked to truly analyze the manifestation of the Flesh in our lives. Often times, we think "sins" are the root issue. But our sins are not the root, they are the symptoms. The root of our symptoms is the flesh. The flesh is not something that can be eradicated until death, but control can be exercised over it's manifestation in our lives. Reflecting on my fear of losing control, I see the ties it has to my desire to accomplish and see results. I've always loved grades because it tells me where I'm at. But recently, I shared with my roommate and observation I had about grades. Sometimes, I think I've chosen procrastination because of fear that I won't be able to control the grade I receive. In a sense, you could say I fear the result of my efforts because I'm not in control of it. Procrastinating gives me a feeling of confidence in a sense because I have more freedom to discount the result due to insufficient time spent on the task. Strange. Don't like learning about that. But, learning is a gateway to freedom. So I see this, and I've been more intentional about starting my assignments earlier than is natural.

Also, I think my fear of losing control contributes to my actions in regards to my faith. I've seen in myself a sense of "legalism" that I have always turned a blind eye to in my past. Who wants to think they act "legalistically"? Besides, I guess if I acted in this way, I would inadvertently put myself in the status quo of "Christians" according to how the world understand us.  So my life has always been marked by striving to honor God in all that I do. But, in one of my papers in this same class, my Professor recently pointed something out in regards to me "honoring God". It was a paper on the manifestation of the flesh personally in my life. I shared that the flesh was manifesting itself because of inadequate understanding of grace. Well He was quick to point very bluntly but with incredibly inviting love the truth... this following is His response on my paper:

I don't yet understand His holiness- how unconditionally He loves, accepts and cares for me. Wow. Some of you may think his comments are harsh... but I see it as an invitation to know a Greater Love than the human love I've constructed in my mind labeled to God. How we interact with one another deeply affects a person's view and understanding of God. If we put conditional love on others, they will translate that into their relationship with God. Needless to say, I'm getting an eye-opening perspective of who I am, who I've made  God out to be, and now what do in response to all of this.

It hurts because it's personal. It's hard because it delegates responsibility for change. It's liberating because it teaches me to live in freedom, not in chains.

My devotional this morning read: "Our awesome Creator loves you and longs for you to know and love Him in the deepest and most extreme way. He demonstrated His extreme love for you by sending His Son, Christ Jesus, to suffer and die in your place. Based on the way you are living your life, how would you say you are keeping the first and greatest commandment to love God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength?

Deuteronomy 6:4-7
Revelation 3:15,16
Matthew 22: 34-40