A New Direction

"the Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you" -Jeremiah 31:3

God is faithful to shower His love upon us. He is quick to love us with an everlasting love that comes when the life we walk through can only give us a love that resembles a broken sand dollar one might find at the beach. When I was a little girl, sometimes our family would go visit my Grandma and her girlfriends when they rented a beach house for a week. There was always one day during our visit where we would be led on a sand dollar hunt. While we didn't know it at the time, our Grandmother had really hidden actual sand dollars in the jetty for us to "look for". It was an adventure and we were too young to know the truth so we played along in reckless abandonment. The sand dollars we came across were beautiful and whole without hardly a scratch on them. But that is because they had never existed outside in the Ocean- the place where they naturally belonged. If you've ever found a real ocean sand dollar, you know that they will often come in chunks or pieces, or they will have rough edges from the wear and tear of the oceans ebbing, flowing tides. Love is similar to a true ocean sand dollar... if it has been given life it will often be worn and torn by the hands that hold it. Being discovered someday by the right one... those hands will pick it up, realize it is not whole... yet seeing it as beautifully worn, completely incomplete. In the wrong hands, our love is cut, bruised, or destroyed. In the right hands, our love is beautiful, a rare gem, and a captivating discovery.

God's love becomes more beautiful when we understand how little we know about it's purity. We can only compare it or characterize it in relation to the love we shared with others on this earth. The incompleteness of our human ability to love one another allows us to gain a new lens of understanding. God's love is complete. It satisfies our deepest thirsts and hungers. It is EVERLASTING. We don't understand that love. Our love here is but a broken replica of His. Right now in my life, I'm embracing with open arms my inability to comprehend His love . I find myself at a crossroads where I'm waiting to hear the voice of the one who directs my path. He knows me, He knows I would be at this directionless point. And He loves me. That's all I really need to be concerned with. I am loved, treasured, and He has asked me to love Him and love people. Regardless of where these runner feet go, regardless of what job my hands find to do... I pray to always seek the Spirit to work this out in my life:

"Love the Lord your God will all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates" Deut. 6:4-9

As some of you know, I have made the choice to take some time off of seminary grad school. And about right now you might be thinking didn't she just start this fall? Yes, I did. But, I've always had really good self-evaluation. All semester, being here in Dallas, I have not been at peace. I felt God had led me here, but when I got here it still didn't seem right. Maybe God called me here for just this short season, maybe God will call me back in another 6 months. I don't have an answer for myself or for you. I do know that I needed to make a choice as the semester came to a close, and with much prayer, I have made a choice. I will be returning to Southern California for a season. I have NO PLAN for the first time in my life. I've always had a plan or "the next" thing. But right now, I literally walk with no bright light shining a few years into the future. This is so good for me. I have never felt more at peace or had more joy in circumstances that naturally would beget a different reaction. God is in control. He knows I need this season back at home simply being with my family and friends. Sometimes direction isn't a place to go, sometimes direction isn't a job to do. Sometimes direction is people. God can call us to people just as He can call us to a geographical location. For me, my heart has left me no choice but to be with my family. Maybe the season ahead of me will be rocky, and there will be a very clear reason why I've been brought home. Or maybe it won't be so clear, and I will find myself receiving simply the next "next" for life. I'm not sure, but what I am 100% sure of: I'm DANG excited to walk forward and find out ;-)

I hope those who read this know my heart enough to know the truth with my decisions. Many of you may have disagreements with my choice... arguments might run through your head like "you didn't give Texas enough time", "didn't God call you there?" And I can guarantee the same arguments have battled within my own head for the past five months. But life is an adventure. And every step whether good or bad is a part of the journey we are traveling on with our best friend, lover, Savior and Father walking with us. I know less about where I want my life to go now then I did when I was 18, but I know more about whose ultimately in control of it than I did then too. Starting seminary was nor will never be considered a mistake in my life book. I don't regret moving here. I have been blessed with incredible new friendships, I have been given the privilege of sharing with hurting women the truth about who they need, and I've been shown more of who God is and the freedom He gave me through the death and resurrection of His son Jesus Christ. But for now, I will say "see you later Texas".

To those in Texas: thank you for opening your hearts, and homes to me in this short season. I know we will see each other again someday. To those back in California, get ready, with a joyful heart and an overflowing cup, I'm coming for you!