I cannot not write

"Real writers don't write for recognition. They do it because they cannot not write. 

I cannot not write. 

I give a lot to my writing, and writing in return gives much to me". 

Everyone has in their life those redefining moments that seem to shift their life perspective. Things for a moment are blind, and when you blink again, life becomes much clearer than it ever has been before. For me, these moments of clarity generally happen after minor (or major LOL) breakdowns about where my life currently is. 

Today carried with it one such moment. 

My dad walked in the door from work, and I came out of my room. He knows me well and realized things weren't right. All it took was one little question.... "what's wrong?" Poor guy, that was probably the best yet worst question to ask. Best because it is the exact question I needed him to ask, worst because perhaps he may not be ready for all that will tumble from my mouth as a response. Girls tend to me long winded ;) 

So out came all that was "frustrating" about my life. I'm currently dwelling in this awkward stage of leaving young adulthood behind, and embracing adulthood. In the next year I will turn one quarter of a century. Perhaps that's not old to many of you; but to me, this is a big deal. When I was growing up, I imagined this age would look so much different. When reality is different than originally anticipated, disappointment may result. My dad got an earful about my disappointment with where I'm at. What might be disappointing right now?

I'll be merciful to you and not give you the same earful I gave him, but what it comes down to is I desire to be an adult. Many desires cultivate the meaning of being an "adult", but a few of them are:  to be capable of fully financially supporting myself; to find a similar community I had in college- women my age willing to walk alongside me in life in the day to day; and to move in a direction of a career path. 

As I processed most facets of my life with my dad, I blinked and life shifted. Clarity become more tangible. God has been tangibly present this past week, and the pinnacle of sharing my frustrations led to further humility as the clarity brought an overwhelming since of gratitude. My life is full of rich blessings too often overlooked. It's time to dwell on the blessings...

In my current job, I am blessed to make payments on all the mandatory bills. Also, I receive the precious gift of caring for more than 200 kids on Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings. Both times I am privileged enough to marvel at the young voices crying out loudly to their Father. They challenge me to love simply, worship with purity, and enjoy God fully. There is nothing like that of a child with great faith. I witness it bi-weekly. And I love it. I get hugs and hellos from them all- most I can't even remember their names. But they know me, and never fail to make me smile as they pass me saying "Hi Courtney!!" Then there are the few ones I am more familiar with- I get to love on them more intentionally because I know their parents. I get to enjoy their endless, simple gleeful chatter as I carpool some of them to Wednesday nights, or I relish in the tackling, pulling on my arms, asking to be thrown in the air with some of the other sweet ones I see at dinner with their families. They fill my life with love. A love that I've sometimes wondered if I'm missing out on because I'm single and without kids of my own. But the reality, I don't need a marriage or my own kids for that. God has blessed me with more than enough love and attention from the sweet faces of the kids I serve. I'm thankful the Lord has called me to serve and love these kiddos. God uses my job to remind me I am cherished. 

While I may not go crazy over the lack of move-out date from my parents' house, there definitely is gratitude coming from being here currently. Sure it's nice not to have a monthly rent to pay, but the true gift comes from being around them daily. I won't live at home forever. My days are numbered as far as living at home under their roof. I want to enjoy this season for what it is. I get the honor of closely watching a marriage playing out the way God designed it to be. A marriage covenant of two best friends who adore each other and fall more in love each day. Anyone who knows or spends time around my parents will see this too. They bless me because of the example they live out. This enriches my understanding of relationships and God is using to prepare my heart for the same covenant marriage someday. And not just their relationship, but strengthening our own relationships as Father/Mother and daughter. They provide wisdom, they provide prayer and encouragement. I'm so deeply grateful for the opportunity to live under their example in this season. 

Along with those two areas, I'm beyond grateful that my current stage of life is currently causing increased dependence on God. I am in great need of a Savior. I will not make it through the minor or major breakdowns without His Spirit whispering to me. Francis Chan puts it beautifully, "it is undeniable that one of the greatest aspects of being in relationship with the Holy Spirit is the intimacy, security and encouragement He brings us. It is then we can serve God as a beloved child rather than a stressed-out, guilt-ridden slave" (Forgotten God, 104). In the past week, the Spirit has spoken on various accounts words of encouragement and affirmation in preparation to combat the disappointment and frustration I faced today. 

One friend sent me this text (a snippet from "Jesus Calling"): "Pour all of your energy into trusting Me. It is through trust that you stay connected to Me aware of My presence. Every step on your life-journey can be a step of faith. Baby steps of trust are simple for you; you can take them with almost unconscious ease. Giant steps are another matter altogether:  leaping across chasms in semidarkness, scaling cliffs of uncertainty, trudging through the valley of the shadow of death. These feats require sheer concentration, as well as utter commitment to Me. 

Each of My children is a unique blend of temperament, giftedness, and life experiences. Something that is a baby step for you may be a giant step for another person, and vice versa. ONly I now the difficulty or ease of each segment of your journey. Beware of trying to impress others by acting as if your giant steps are only baby ones. Do not judge others who hesitate, in trembling fear, before an act that would be easy for you. If each of My children would seek to please Me above all else, fear of others' judgements would vanish, as would attempts to impress others. Focus your attention on the path just ahead of you and on the One who never leaves your side."

Also this week, God used another friend to encourage me to buy the new Bethel CD, and it has settled my spirit in a phenomenal way. Specifically the song "Be Still"... go listen to it asap: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAPpunj-dMM  also look up "For the Cross".... Hallelujah what a Savior, we thank you for the Cross" rich lyrics!

Then God used the words of a friend who talks about 3 options we have facing a storm: sink, swim, stand. Most often times we will swim through life, believing the harder and longer we battle, eventually we will make it. But then what happens when you are no longer capable physically, mentally, spiritually to continue battling? The battle does not belong to us- it belongs to the Lord (1 Samuel 17). So the best option is to stand. "What God wants is for me to be still in the storm, not sinking, not swimming, but standing on Him. He is the Solid Rock, the only safety, the only preservation. The Waves still crash, I'm still cold and chilled to the bone, but I'm standing on Someone solid, who promises to not let me sink, and wants me to stop swimming" (Ps 61:3). 

What a beautiful image... to stand on the solid rock. 

"My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus blood and righteousness; 

I dare not trust the sweetest frame, 

But wholly lean on Jesus' name. 

When darkness veils His lovely face, 

I rest on His unchanging grace; 

In every high and stormy gale,

My anchor holds within the veil. 

His oath, His covenant, His blood 

Support me in the whelming flood; 

When all around my soul gives way,

He then is all my hope and stay.

When he shall come with trumpet sound, 

Oh, may I then in Him be found;

Dressed in His righteousness alone, 

Faultless to stand before the throne. 

On Christ the solid Rock, I stand. 

All other ground is sinking sand, 

All other ground is sinking sand. 

Where do you stand with Christ? I hope He is the Savior to you that he is to me.... though our sins may be scarlet, He has made us white as snow. He gives me my reason for joy and light. He has filled my cup overflowing with love and has chosen to give me seasons of breakdowns and trials not to hurt me, but out of love for me.

In those times, He seeks to humble, heal and make me holy. What a gracious Father. 

I would love to end with these hopeful words from this blog post: (GO READ IT!! amazing post about a friend who recently got married) (http://www.mywordsandwonder.com/2013/09/when-you-are-tired-of-waiting-and.html)

"He loves us far too much to give us lesser things.

if we are obedient.
if we are faithful.
if we wait with hope for unfulfilled dreams.
if we keep living during the waiting.
if we choose joy and thanksgiving rather than bitterness and resentment.
if we trust that the God who created us knows our needs better than we know our own.
if we do all those things we won't get the life we've dreamed of...
we will take hold of something far better...

the life bigger than our dreams." 

Lord, I love you. Thank you for the gift of life and the joy of knowing you intimately through the relationship gifted to me by Jesus Christ.