The Pink Post-It

It was last Saturday. Recently, I made a vow to clean up more. I've been known in my youth to keep a messy room. Not dirty, messy. There's a big difference, and if you don't think so- let's chat ;) And while many may be firm believers that habits are hard to kick or may never die, I would like to be exhibit a that change is not impossible.

In the new routine of being intentional about keeping order within my room, I was organizing my bookshelf and a pink post-it caught my eye. One to get easily distracted during mundane routines such as cleaning, I snatched the book. It was on the shelf with other books I hope to read, so I knew I had not read it yet. Looking at the cover, then turning it over in my hands to read the back. Familiarity didn't register. I don't remember how I got the book or who gave it to me. Reading the pink post it, it said "Courtney Dixon inscribed". Curiosity piqued- all cleaning forgotten. I jumped across my bed, opened the book and looked for clues. As noted, the cover page had a personal message inscribed. Reading the small script, my heart stopped. This moment was no coincidence.

For the past month and a half, God has been actively sharing Himself with me. It began on this night click here. After that night, the gate had been opened. His gardening gloves were on and the master was digging holes, pulling out weeds, and planting new seeds in the garden of my soul. With each new hole, I felt gaping wounds exposed. With each weed pulled out, my flesh clamored to regain the comfort, hidden, secure foliage. To no avail. The master had a plan, as all master's do. The plan was for beauty, bursting color, radiant life, sweet aroma. To plant the new seeds, he needed room. Fertile soil, with space, and depth. The past 45 days were marked with wrestling between me and him, and eventually his victory to continue toiling.

Opening this new book, reading the inscription, the time had come. The master had prepared the garden for planting. The soil was ready, the space cleared. Seeds were needed, and God used a man's brief encouragement dating back 3 years. The book I found is called "In the Name of Jesus" by Henri Nouwen. The small inscription read:

"Dear Courtney, you have a faithful yet fearful heart. May God indwell in you His confidence so that you can do good for others as you risk following your dreams. In God's grace, Russell Smelley"

Wow. Had the soil been hard, rocky and dry the seeds wouldn't have found a home to grow. Three years ago, the soil was exactly that. I graduated at that time from Westmont College. My cross country/track coach for 4 years chose to give this book to me for graduation. He is the kind of man who sees into another's soul. Life has presented him with tremendous growth and wisdom. He is incapable of ignoring people in need. He saw the need in me.  And here I was incapable of seeing it within myself. God gave him a window into my soul. The trepidation was visible to him then. And that fearfulness he recognized kept me in a state of resistance. I didn't want to hear about weakness. I "knew" it was better to be strong, in control, powerful. Until now. Saturday, resistance was nowhere to be found. Humility washed over, and gratitude quickly filled my cup.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you. Thank you for knowing my name. Knowing me one-on-one. Thank you for your desire to reconcile, heal, restore, and craft us into your image. Each one of us. The Kingdom is at hand. The battle is real. Your victory is present. Your steadfast faithfulness remains. Our weakness exists, you use us anyways. We are your people, you will always see us to the place you aim for us to go. Your provision is unmatched. Thank you. 

Instantly recognizing the meaning within those two sentences inscribed in the book, I began to read. Page after page. It sunk deep, it read loud.

The making of a leader is one who embraces their fears, recognizes their insecurities and presents themselves to others within their broken state. This is faith. This is love.

"Powerlessness and humility in a person's leadership demonstrates so deeply in love the person is with Jesus that they are ready to follow him wherever he guides, always trusting, that with him, they will find life an find it abundantly" -Nouwen

We were made to be powerless, humble, lacking, in need, irrelevant and not in control. This gives Him room to dilute our fears, and shed truth on doubts or provide provision in the midst of anxiety. We don't need to seek power, control or leadership over loving.

Jesus asks Peter one question three times, "Peter, do you love me?"
Three times Peter responds, "Yes, Lord"
Jesus responds, "then feed my sheep".

May we always be a people eagerly expressing our love to Jesus question, "Do you love me?" And may the seeds He plants grow and bear fruit. That we are raised as mature leaders bearing His image, surrendering control, willing to be led where we would rather not go... as Jesus was led to the Cross. For we know that in death, we find life. Life abundant.