Yesterday afternoon, I sat on my bed and dialed the number. This was it, I was sure. I would hear a confirmation that my next position of employment would begin Monday morning. Two weeks here, and God has already provided. My heart was on cloud nine! Josh was waiting there with excited anticipation on his face. We knew God was hearing our prayers.
The tone buzzed unfamiliarly. Not yet used to the ringing tone of Aussie phones, I waited and waited. Finally a voicemail box picked up. Slightly annoyed, I relayed my details and hung up. Within 20 minutes, the phone rang. YAY! My heart was racing as the guy over the line said he was from Serco. This is it!!
"Courtney, after reviewing your application further, we see your visa is for only 6 months is that correct?"
What?! Alarm caused me to panic.... why didn't he just tell me the good news? Okay, Ill just correct him! "No, no my visa is for 1 year".
"Oh, yes, but the visa restricts you from working with one company for a maximum of 6 months. Is this the case?"
110% (if thats possible) deflation. "Yes... that's correct" I mumbled. I knew exactly where this was going. I had simply forgotten.
"Because of this, we regret to inform you we are legally unable to offer you employment as our contract is for 9 months. As I said, we were very pleased with your application and interview. If not for this, we would be moving forward"
I pressed the end button. Josh could see my presence fall. I didn't say anything. You could cut the silence with a knife. I sat there. My mind raced around the empty space of my soul, where moments ago joy was abounding. How can joy just disappear within the presence of unfortunate news? It can't.
Happiness can.
I laid my head on Josh's shoulder, the tears flowed mercilessly. Forget the make up I had put on minutes ago. My cheeks were blackened, and I didn't care. The pain was overwhelming. Feeling rejected. Not by the job, surely it wasn't specifically this job I so desperately wanted. It was ANY job... ANY avenue of purpose and financial provision. ANY place to BE, and be NEEDED.
Put it simply: I wanted to MATTER again.
As I sat there crying, all I could think Go home. Go where it's safe, the community is known and familiar, the job, income, life is sure. I mattered there, at MHC. Maybe I jumped the gun? Maybe I wasn't supposed to make this tremendous move without a job! How crazy was that anyway?! God, I pray palms up and open, I ask your will, I trust you to provide, but how? How will you when I'm not sure how long my meager savings will last?
He stopped me. Today, He spoke, and I listen.
God: You want safe, familiar, and sure? Is that what you really want?
Me: I don't know what I want anymore. I just want it to work out, now.
God: You said before you wanted adventure, mountains to be moved, the unimaginable to be reality, trust to be your currency, and faith to be your perspective. Which do you want child?
I am stopped. His Glory, and presence... I just stare at His Glory. I see it again. I see not what I want... what He wants.
He wants me to stay. When I want to run back home, and give up before I really get into dangerous, unchartered waters financially. He wants me to crave His presence. To not wake up frustrated that I have no plans, but to wake up asking God, what today? Who today? Where today? Why today? How today?
A song ringing through my soul, planting my feet, secure in God's unshakeable foundation...
"in the morning when I rise, give me Jesus"
My mom recently encouraged me with the words, "you never get minutes back Courtney"... and as I stare somewhat bleakly at yet another week feeling confined to my little bedroom instead of out in the world being productive and working, I think to myself: you may not be able to change your circumstances, but through the Holy Spirit you can change your attitude during them.
The attitude I seek to adopt during this waiting room time rounding my third week:
1. Thanksgiving: I wanted for so long to be in the same place as Josh. Be thankful for the answered prayers I do have. I have a room where I'm safe from the rain, and a body capable of walking to the train station or the store. Little, beautiful victories.
2. Count your minutes: I don't ever get these minutes back. I can waste them by moping around my bedroom attempting to come up with chores to 'occupy' myself, or I can burst forth into the day and seek for a way to fruitfully use my time. There are friendships to be made, people to encourage, fitness to be had, air to be breathed, sights to be seen, food to be tasted, streets to be wandered. I want to count my minutes positively. I won't get them back.
3. Faith: "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see" (Heb 11:1). I asked for faith that moves mountains, faith that walks out on the waters despite the storm. Guess what? Faith is not refined and produced in the safe, familiar, and sure location. It is developed, purified, and grown in the place of the desert... walking where we cannot see, seeing what we cannot feel, and knowing what we cannot understand.
God created me.
He made me His daughter through the blood of His Son, Jesus Christ.
I'm chosen.
I'm immensely loved.
I have been and will continue to be provided for.
Finances, it will come. Food, I will eat. Community, I will make.
I now respond...
minute by minute... I chose to respond to His love.
Not safe, familiar, sure.
Rather chosen, loved, known.
Be present. Walk in Faith. He knows you, you are His. Live in His ownership of your life
xoxo
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