My mom returned and we made the trek up the stairs. She knew my internal frustrations. But recently these frustrations have taken external tolls. It's as if the air I breathe, my near surroundings are intoxicated by the tension within me. It appears near impossible to move, speak, or practically think without negativity.
Reaching the top of the stairs, I opened the first door and walked in. Filling out the appropriate paperwork, I then waited my turn. Traffic being minimal, I had made it an hour early. Thankfully they were willing to take me sooner. Victory! They seemed rare these days but my soul needs to count each one.
The nurse opens the back door and calls my name. I follow him back to the X-ray room. He explains the process, leaves the room, I change, he comes back, my x-ray is taken. Minutes and they're pushing me back out the door. Shocked at the swiftness, and irritated at the inconvenience of driving so far for a simple medical exam, I moved to check myself out. The lady does her thing and then gives me the quote. She says, "that will be $130". I gave her blank stare. It was supposed to be over $300! Then I realize... Victory #2! I was worried about the cost, God heard my prayers. The price was reduced- blood work was not required. God blessed me with a second victory.
Yet, in the little victories it seemed my current biggest defeat had not been turned into a victory yet. The victory I really wanted... time. I want time on my side!! Do you ever feel that way? Time can be our biggest blessing, or our biggest curse. What I'm discovering... it MATTERS how you CHOOSE to allow it to affect you. You can choose to let it bless you, or you can choose to let it curse you.
The past two weeks mostly, I have allowed time to be a curse. I have been in the application process for a visa for Australia for over 6 weeks now. The medical exam was a surprise extra step in the whole process delaying the date I had hoped to leave. This process, I'm embarrassed to say, has chewed me up and spat me out. I've reached multiple breaking points through this course. Found hopelessness fighting for residence in my heart, and bitterness seeking root. And I've come up helpless, aimlessly walking as what I control decreases daily.
Today held new hope. I read Romans 8:6 "So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace". If my sinful nature controls my mind, death is brought upon me. This is exactly what I've passively allowed... justified by the "victim-mindset". I AM the victim. God asks us to let the Spirit control our minds. And in this He promises life and peace. We transform our thinking from victim to VICTOR! Unconditional victors!
I cannot be upset or bitter with God if I don't see peace and life ruling my mind while I'm allowing sin to play such an active part of my life. I'm called to die to my flesh. Die to my anxieties. Die to my desire to control things pertaining to me. Die to thinking I know everything. Die to being consumed with a "me-focus". In everything, I'm called to die to sin. I cannot allow sin to control my mind, because then the Spirit does not have the freedom to lead me to life and peace. When my mind is controlled by sin, generally, it is because I myself am trying to control my life- micro-managing God. I remove my trust, I remove my hope, I remove my faith, I remove His power. I put myself on the throne. Then I yell at him for not giving me life and peace and asking why it's so difficult to not let my sinful nature control my mind!!
Praise you Father, you are patient with me. You are gentle with my ignorance, selfishness, and emotions. You have yet to give up on me. I will praise you, my Father, my God. Thank you.
I don't handle every season with success. Sometimes I convince myself I'm really good at being a Christian, having faith, that sort of thing. But the truth?? God isn't concerned at how "good I am at being a Christian". He is concerned about:
.... my mind, who controls it?
.... my heart, what transforms it?
.... my plans, who are they concerning?
.... my attitude, is it grace-giving?
.... my actions, is love flowing forth unstoppable?
.... my faith, is it withheld?
.... my trust, what is it in?
.... my fears, who do they belong to?
.... me. Do I know I am chosen? Loved? forgiven? accepted? redeemed?
The Spirit is to control our minds, truth to transform our heart, plans to be concerned solely with the Gospel, my attitude to give grace upon grace in every which way. My actions to give way to love flowing forth in abundance. My faith to be emptied into God's Goodness. My trust to be in the saving power of Christ manifest in the Spirit. My fears belonging, cast upon, the God who created me and knows me by name.
Time and circumstances generally will not be on your side. We can anticipate difficulty in this life. Anticipating this should cause us to further rely on the name of Jesus- the powerful, saving name of Jesus. There is no other name. In calling on the power of His name, we are granted future grace- and full understanding that we WILL be sustained now and in the future. Hope is found here. Joy is found here. When time is not on your side, you can discover everything in your life is a blessing through Jesus name.
Know His power.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" (1 Peter 5:6-7).
I live here now. Discovering more of Christ, discovering more of my sinful self.
in my ashes I see His beauty, and my oh my is He beautiful.
"a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair" Isaiah 61:3
I'm so deeply thankful for you God. So deeply thankful.
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