So as many of my posts have been over the past year, this post is simply written during one of those such nights. A night where my heart is raw from heartbreak. I miss China. I miss my students' faces- each one of them. I miss the way He was using that season in my life to teach me, grow me and ultimately to be on a honeymoon of sorts just me and him. I share this with you because I hope over the course of the year, you too have discovered that a part of your heart has fallen in love with China and the faces you've met through my writing. If you've found that to be true in your heart, then through this night of written reflection, I believe we can in a sense cling together in the shadow goodbyes brings.
Among the emotional ups and downs of grieving my finished season of living in China, I am also dealing with this odd sense of (what I call) "spiritual emotional-ness". It appears China did a darn good job of softening my heart... and consequently, I've labeled myself a 'cry-baby'. I believe the Father changed this in me specifically at one point during the year. It was during my organization's week long conference in Thailand. It was as if He simply flipped a switch in me that wasn't ready to be flipped until that very week. You know, I've heard all along in my life, He has a plan for you. He knows what He has for you so don't be concerned about points when you stand at a crossroads in your making life-decisions. And this morning in fellowship, our Teacher shared with us about Judas Iscariot. Judas' role as Jesus' traitor was both divinely a part of the Father's pre-destined plan & foreknowledge, AND it was just as equally Judas' personal free will being exercised leaving him responsible for his choices. This is the concept of what our Teacher called "concordance". As I listened to this concept this morning, I actively prevented my head from traveling too far down that path because at some point, my small finite human brain would no longer be able to logically reason out this concept, and my faith would begin to doubt. So I just put the little truth parcel in a back file as "one of those things I'll never quite make sense of with my limited brain capacity". And that would be that. But as you know our Creator, He had none of this. Learning always needs application!
(Okay hold on here, I'll tie these random thoughts together just bear with me!) So after fellowship, I went to the beautiful Torrey Pines beach today enjoying a nice Sunday afternoon with my parents. My dad and I even got to go on a run together down the beach- and I loved every minute of being with them. But as I sat there today on the beach three things were floating around in my mind.
1) (fyi I LOVE reading Christian fiction, some say it's cheesy but I find it richly rewarding and encouraging- one of my major passions!) So the first thing in my mind was my current read of a fictional novel by Robin Jones Gunn
2) My future
3) the sermon this morning.
So as I read a good chunk of my book this afternoon, I didn't look much into it but simply enjoyed that relaxing time. But then, I finished that book after dinner tonight and as the book wrapped up the characters lives, I found myself sitting there with tears just streaming down my face. For Goodness sakes!!! (enter cry-baby name warranted from such moments as these:) Now, I know sharing this with you can merit me some great moments of embarrassment for me or teasing from ya'll, but this is exactly the reason I love writing and words so much.
Words touch. Words move. Words destroy. Words heal.
This is why He gave us HIS WORD! Words influence, and He left us with the most valuable gift He could: a big pile of these words that are living and active serving as the Spirit's guide to proclaim truth in our life. And as I sat here tonight feeling this torrent of emotion, I was brought back to that one week in Thailand. The week where God significantly softened my heart toward a specific ministry field: women. That week in Thailand, He truly broke my heart for the broken, hurting and lost women in today's world. I cried all that week in Thailand during the most inconvenient times because He was fulfilling one of my lifelong prayers: "break my heart for what breaks yours". My heart was breaking. My heart was breaking specifically for the women who don't understand their worth. Who don't understand what they were created for. Who don't understand a crucified and risen Savior's sacrificial love on their behalf. Women who can't look in the mirror without seeing anything apart from their brokenness, their ugliness, their sin, their shame, their pain. Their scars are all thats left visible to them. Women who are destroyed by the powers of this world. Women who have never been told "I love YOU" by their Creator and believed it. These are the women He broke my heart for.
Tonight, the combination of hearing the message from Robin Jones Gunn's book, and recalling the message this morning of God's sovereign will for our lives coupled with our responsibility to our personal, individual actions, He brought back this vivid and weighty (in a good way) heartbreak for His beautiful daughters. I've been processing my decision of "what's next" now that I'm home from China, but tonight I feel I've had more clarity than I've had since being home. He has knit my heart to go out and serve unreached, unloved, and unwanted women of His. While I have clarity in this, I have no idea exactly how this will manifest itself. But I am certain that He will do one of His "God-things" and put me exactly where He wants me to be to love exactly who He wants me to love. I feel so blessed to have been given His heart for women. So all I can do is cling to Him as He reveals at the right time what He will do with the heart He's given. So in a sense I guess I could use Robin Jones Gunn's term here to describe my current life's state: I'm currently eagerly but in faith, awaiting the "Coming Attractions"!!
No comments:
Post a Comment