Light and Heartbreak

"Finally found where I belong" has been rolling through my mind recently. While I may periodically have over-dramatized but in the moment perfectly appropriate outcries of complete utter frustration over the question "what am I doing here?!" this song lyric still rolls through my being.

I have finished my first week of graduate seminary school. I'm exhausted, but in many ways thriving. Early in the week on Tuesday, I had one of the mentioned above moments where I worked over and over in my mind the question of what I was doing here. On this great trail leading to the heart of the city, I ran and my mind ran right along. The trail of my thoughts looked something like this: Why was I in Dallas? What was the purpose? I'm away from all my friends and family and community. Who just up and leaves that? (wasn't really thinking of all the disciples called by Jesus in this moment) Finishing my run, I felt no less settled than when I began the run. Great... my usual therapeutic methods weren't working. God, wanted to talk. I wasn't ready to listen. As it goes with most of our conversations... He made me and knows my stubbornness though and loves me patiently through each moment I retract from His "pruning talks". Anyways, I pushed my way through the rest of the night and woke up to a new mercifully given morning.

This morning, many of frustrations from the day before seemed to be somewhat untangled on Wednesday. Stressing about finances, I found 9 of my needed textbooks in my local library! So I was able to get all those for free!!! ya'll if you find yourself in a similar situation, GO TO THE LIBRARY! Seriously, God provided a great resource that saved me from the worry of financial provision for the books! PRAISE HIM!

As the rest of the week unfolded, slowly but surely and steadfastly He gave me glimpses of the joys set before in being where He has already called me. Yes, He called me already. Past tense. "Called" me to Dallas. It's not a debate or a question anymore of if I'm suppose to be here or if I'm in the place He wants. I'm here. He called. My classes showed me how blessed I am to have been called here specifically. I get the privilege of learning day in and day out about my favorite thing, my heartbeat, my Father, Redeemer, and Shepherd. Yes. My classes will be academically challenging. But, if there's anything I know, it's that I have faith; faith that He provides, and sustains graciously (2 Chronicles 20). 

Along with classes, I've had the privilege to be working where He shows me everytime I work why He has me here. I'm similar to Solomon...

         "And you, my [daughter, Courtney], acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. consider now, for the Lord has chosen you to build a temple as a sanctuary. Be strong and do the work." -1 Chronicles 28:9-10

God is building part of the Body of Christ through the gifts He's given and the creativity of designing my heart the way he did. And right now, my work is not physically building a temple like Solomon, but it's building a safe environment where men and women feel invited into the presence and safety of a loving and gracious God.

I had one call tonight that broke my heart. Literally, this boy broke my heart. He sounded scared, and he's in a tough situation right now. Because of some of his choices, his future and dreams may be forever affected. God wants to reach this boy. He wants to pull him into a big bear hug just like I wanted to reach over the phone and just hug him until he felt better. But, so this is the world we live in where sin is among us and gives way to brokenness. But every time I feel despair of all that those without him face (and even those with him face), I'm constantly drawn to the mark of faith He's specifically put on my heart. It is clearly outlined in Isaiah 58. In Isaiah 58, we see the devastation that comes from injustice, and the tanglings of chains... but we also see the hope that is bursting forth in glorious form for those who have FAITH!

"Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and he will say: here am I. If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always, he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age, old foundations. you will be Repairer of Broken walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath, and from doing as you please on my holy day if you call the Sabbath a delight and the Lord's holy day honorable and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the Lord, and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob"

God created You for a purpose. He created YOUR heart the way it beats. He created your every hairs on your head, and he created the way you smile, the way you have specific likes and dislikes. He created you for Him. To enjoy Him. To invite you along on the greatest love story of all time (greater than any Taylor Swift song! :), He wants to use YOU for His Glory. What a gift. As I'm discovering all this with Him in this season here at DTS, I pray you find that with Him in your season wherever you are in the world. He loves you. He doesn't waste one thing about your past or present. And in all His majesty works a beautiful tapestry in your life to reflect His brilliance:

"He said to me, "You are my servant, Israel, in whom I will display my splendor" (Is. 49:3)
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted" (Job 42:2)

Live in His Light,
Court