Healing through Tears... You are Near.

When I started training for my new job, one thing stuck out in particular. One of the ladies instructing our training told us she had been in the field for 20+ years. And she has always said, "I do not save babies". I think primarily this stuck out to me because I wanted to file it away as a constant reminder to remain humble when the conversations happened that led to a woman choosing life. But, it wasn't until this past weekend at work the meaning of her comment sliced deep into my soul. Because this past weekend, I faced the first (and I'm sure won't be the last) time I failed a client. I understood the reverse of why I wanted to file away her comment... I was faced with this: "I don't save babies when the mom chooses life, and I don't save babies when the mom chooses the alternative".

About a week ago, I was in touch with a client who didn't necessarily have time to talk with me about her situation when we were on the phone, and had an appointment the next day "to take care of her problem". I asked if we could talk another time, because the information and resources we had for her were important to her health and safety regardless of the choice she ended up making. And it's been noted that some women change their minds when presented with information about fetal development and risks with abortion. She mentioned she would be willing to talk the next morning before her appointment. I was not going to be working, but I was able to pass along her information to another co-worker. I assured the woman I would give her information to my co-worker, and I did. I returned back to the office on Saturday and talked with my co-worker who I e-mailed. Apparently, when she called this lady, it was not the lady I had talked to on the phone. Fear and panic struck me. I was frozen. My mind raced, Why wasn't it the right number? Was that woman making up her situation? Did I give my co-worker the wrong information? As numbness took over my body, I anxiously sifted through my notes looking for the information. I found it and scrolled through my e-mails to compare the notes and check the phone number I gave. Yes, the numbers were identical. what went wrong? As my co-worker continued to share about the woman she did talk to, it registered. I had talked to that woman the same day. I looked at my notes. I froze.

I had switched the numbers of the two callers.

As my co-worker noticed the error, she encouraged me and went back to work. I turned toward my notes and stared in disbelief and horror. My gut felt like it had been kicked in, and tears burned my eyes. Frantically, I dialed the number, the right number of the woman who I promised to follow up with. She answered. A few questions later, my fear had been confirmed.... "she had taken care of it". I couldn't see anything on my desk anymore. It was all a blur, and the weight of the situation shattered my heart. I am responsible. I caused the death. I could have been an agent for change and I failed. One stupid, mindless mistake, and I failed to live out the mission by which our organization exists. My thoughts were jumbled, fingers shaking, I collected myself and retreated to the women's bathroom. I cried. And I cried. And I cried.

"I don't save babies". This comment is true. As I came home from work heavy-laden from the afternoon's discovery, I cried in my roommates arms. I was mourning the loss this woman faced. I was mourning the loss our organization had in my carelessness. I was mourning the loss of information and resources for the woman before she choose. I was mourning her baby.

I fought, and struggled with God. why?! What am I doing here if I can't even accomplish the purpose of my role at this job?!

These questions are valid. These questions are questions every person in the world struggles with and battles daily. We live in a sinful, broken world. We face brokenness everywhere. Some of us live in denial as much as we can of he brokenness lying around us by comforting ourselves with luxuries of this world, and a "nice" church environment. Some of us can't seem to muster a seed of hope or faith in the despair of brokenness they face. But the truth remains, no matter where we turn, how we shelter ourselves, we can't escape the reality that sin exits. We face death, sickness, unexpected tragedies. And among them all we ask, where are you?! why aren't you here?!Why!? Why?!

Even David, a man after God's own heart, begged for the answer to these questions,

"How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

³ Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me." (Psalm 13)

I carried the heaviness of my inability to adequately do my job all the way into church this morning. And this morning, He spoke right to my aching, hurting soul. My pastor spoke on Luke 13:1-9 on repentance. And as I sat there, I heard Him tell me to repent of my sin. First, my pride thinking I was the one saving babies... thinking I was capable of making a difference on my own. Second, to repent of my doubt and inability to have faith that He is Sovereign over my mistake. Along with the Spirit moving in the Pastor's message, He was also moving when a woman came to share her testimony. She is a mother of five. Her youngest has a life-threatening disease of which there is no cure. He has almost passed several times, and in the midst of her pain her mother heart screams out to God. Screams out for redemption, for salvation from the trials and tribulations she faces everyday. (Apparently, it's crying weekend, because all service this morning, I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face) This mother aches for her baby. I ache for the mothers who wont hold their first babies this side of heaven. That mother that shared in church today is not being "punished" for anything she's done... some may ask that question when tragedy strikes. No, she is simply existing in a world where pain, and brokenness exist. Where she can only protect her babies to an extent. And she chooses day in and day out regardless of the results of the day to turn to Jesus and say you decide... you be responsible for all that happens in my life. I will praise you still. And so I must follow her example. I exist in this world also, and my only choice is to have faith. If I'm pursuing a career in seeking to minister to the broken, I must actively choose to surrender my efforts and results to God. To have faith above my theories, my practice, my successes or my failures, that He is Good still. Have faith that He is always moving, and He is Sovereign over my inadequacies... this weekend as I cried out to Him, He gently whispered, "my power is made perfect in your weakness"(2 Cor 12:9)

I'd like to finish this blog post with the song that they sang after the woman shared her testimony in church this morning. It speaks to my heart. It reminds me that trials, tribulations, broken hearts, and tears are what I need to know He's near. If my heart doesn't break over the brokenness of life, I won't experience His nearness.... I won't have a unquenchable thirst for His restorative touch. I need Jesus. I need my faith in a God bigger than this broken world.

Enjoy...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ&feature=player_embedded