Grace-giver

I've been in seminary for a month now, and while that's not the longest time in the world, it sure means my degree is underway. One of my favorite things about learning psychology at a seminary is the emphasis on theology. Recently, I have been hit by the mind-blowing beauty of grace. Truly the only word (that still doesn't do it justice) I'm learning to describe grace with is beauty.

Beauty in its simply dictionary definition would be something that pleases the aesthetic senses. And when I deepen my understanding of revelation of God, I see exposed in my own life how pathetically I pale in comparison to him. Growing up in the church as a kid, it is easy to become familiar with this "merit based" or "accomplishment-oriented" understanding of your relationship with God. This comes through the positive reinforcement of memorizing a verse, or remembering last week's Sunday school lesson. All of which are not necessarily bad methods to encourage and foster an understanding of God. The problem this tradition has been in my own walk is the inability to accurately see sin in my life. At least in the perspective of my sin in comparison to God's grandeur. Too often, as I've been trained, I focus on all the "good" things I'm doing day to day. Yes! This morning, I read my Bible, gleamed some awesome golden truths, doing good with God. But, sadly, I fail to do what I was created to do: marvel at the beauty of Him and the grace He has bestow on me, His creation.

I'm focused on me. Well, let me tell ya, going to seminary is sure to knock you down a few steps or bound to rattle your nicely organized theology bins. But, wow. What a blessing to get knocked down by solid truth, and to smile in humility at Him. The beautiful Creator, the blessed bestower of Grace.

One of my professors mentioned in class, "even if you take the best 15 seconds you've ever lived for Him, they are only filthy rags in comparison". Wow. Not even 15 seconds can impress Him in anyway! So as I'm learning and applying the bizzzillions of books I am/have already read this semester (no joke... reading is ALL I do:) I have come to apply it in my own life. I'm learning about God's wonderful, beautiful grace in the classroom, only to find my graciousness for others and myself taking a unfortunate and painful plunge. Isn't that always how it works?

My team leader in China last year, Dan, once said, "you are either in a season of rest/healing, or a season of bearing fruit, or a seasoning of pruning". Currently, I'm the latter. My ability to be a grace-bestower toward others is at an all-time low. With my roommate, I lack grace. With the transition of establishing new community, I lack giving grace to myself and to God. With my future, I lack grace. I. LACK. GRACE.

Grace is beautiful because I'm so incapable of it. God's not impress with the length of my quiet times, or how many verses I can memorize. He simply loves for me to spend time soaking/basking in His presence. I personally think lizards are the best at basking/soaking in God's beauty and grace. How often do we see them over on a rock, or on a patch of grass warming their little bodies in the graciously given streaming down sunlight! What a beautiful picture of what it's like to simply bronze in His beautiful, glorious grace! That's what I want.

I've been discovering it's beautiful to be a grace-giver. You look at any man or woman who is gifted at bestowing grace to others, and it is a beautiful picture that others are drawn to. Part of being gracious is a gentle spirit of humility. In my Intro to Theo class, my Prof. painted this picture of humility: A donkey was used to make the triumphant entry. The donkey is an animal who did His job- the donkey never focused on being the ONE DONKEY God used. We are like donkeys. We are to carry him humbly, faithfully to the cross of calvary and empty tomb. False humility is not true humility. Humility focuses on the object of our vision, on the precious cargo we are permitted to bear for awhile. I love that. We are to focus on Christ. The precious cargo we are permitted to bear for awhile.

As I continue learning grace through a season of pruning right now, I look forward to coming before the Father each day pleading that He give me a gentle, beautiful heart looking on in delight at the precious cargo of His Grace: His Son. And that in bearing Him humbly, I would find myself being a Grace-giver.