Growing Up

I thought I went through the process of growing up during my fours years of undergraduate education. However, it appears growing up is much different than those four years of living in a "bubble" that emulates grown-up life without the added pressures/difficulties that real adults face day in and day out.

Last year, I thought China saw me through a year of growing up too. And in a lot of senses my four years at Westmont and my year in China did play a role in my journey of growing up. But, I think it's safe to say I'm really hitting my stride with this whole "growing up" thing, and in all honesty, I have mixed opinions.

For about a month up until the past week, life has been miserable for me. (in my shoes). I have been an emotional wreck, the cause of multiple factors. I have an intense workload of 14 graduate school hours, an average of 29 hours of work each week (with an hour commute each way), my work shifts were usually the 7-midnight shift where I would be getting into bed at 1 am only to wake up at 630 for 745 am class. Culture shock finally caught up to me as I moved to a completely new place I had NEVER set foot in ONE month after returning back to the U.S. after spending a year in China. Needless to say, I was reeling from those around me, new friendships, and I was reeling from only seeing my family for a small time, then moving to Dallas only to find that wait... I'm back in America but it's been a few months and I won't be seeing my family for another few months. I thought I came back to be closer? My emotions were on high alert as I missed everyone in China, my teammates who I did daily life with thats really only comparable to relationships with family, missing my family, missing college friends. I now had bills that came each month and I had to continue to pay for them. In all senses, I was thrust into grown-up world.

What do I do?

My initial response: paralysis. I became paralyzed. Incapable of going to class, doing assignments, and also emotional turmoil through endless conversations with my parents (whom both I'm closer to than anything-they truly are two of my best friends and biggest ro-models). They patiently loved and listened as I ranted and raved about this or that. One time I had a breakdown on my way home from work, and the airport is on my way home. I was two seconds away from turning that wheel down the turnpike towards the first plane back to San Diego, Ca. But the still small voice repeatedly whispered across my heart: stay, wait, hold on. I could hardly hear this whisper over the screams of my emotions, but just as your body does in the face of tragedy it reels itself back into a comatose state for protection- my paralysis was the same for me... I was protected from making the decision to forget everything and return home. He protected me. I remained.

Then, last week, I was finishing a paper that was late (dumb comatose state ;). The third part of the paper was to write about a consistent sin issue you battle in your daily life and to flush that out with the scriptures we had been studying on the work of the Spirit. Writing on this broke the comatose and released me from my captivity. I wrote on anxiety/worry. I worry about everything. I worry about the future, and the past and the present- all facets. It's often a part of my life I overlook as a "sin" and label it more positively like 'desire to plan' or 'thinking through ALL my options/possibilities'... but in reality, I'm worrying- and that's sin. Facing it through my paper has breathed new wind into my lungs and given me new wings of freedom.

I find myself loving more, enjoying more, and resting more in being present here in Dallas. Yes, my heart yearns to be closer to my loved ones. However, this life, I made a faith commitment a long time ago, that holistically, I would live the best way I knew how in each season to live in devotion to God the Father who sent His One and Only Son to die for me. Demonstrating His love for me, redeeming me, and leaving me with both the Holy Spirit as the Counselor and a promise of eternity together. Right now, though it is hard and missing my family/friends grieves my heart, doing this with my life looks like staying here where He has provided me with a job in a ministry I love. Enough funds to cover my finances, new friends who encourage and bless me daily, forever friends from many seasons who call/skype/email words of truth into my life building me and shaping me to be in this place working for/with the Body just as He desired. (1 Corinthians 12: 18).

Growing up has been painful. I don't necessarily love it, and I often reminisce on the days of jumping through the sprinklers on the trampoline only to follow that up with Popsicle on an endless sunny summer afternoon.... But growing up is inevitable. We will face the future with all the pains and joys it brings. But we can do so in the knowledge that He will accomplish His will in you- you that love Him. Life is beautiful. I enjoyed being a kid, and hopefully, I will get the great blessing of raising and watching my own children be kids. Once again, growing up... it can be beautiful if you make the choice daily to be a half-full glass kinda gal ;)

So right now, this is me: I'm in Dallas. I'm a seminary student. I work as a crisis counselor for Pregnancy Decision Line. I'm a babysitter of an awesome 4 beautiful girls, I'm a Sunday school teacher for 3/4 y/o on Sundays. I'm a lover of sports, running, and the outdoors with sunshine. I love to write. And I cry often.... He has made my heart soft despite all odds.

And THIS is all I know. I don't need to know more. I don't need to think about more. I just need to be exactly this right now, right here. I wonder, who are you in the body? :)