I've been praying over two specific things in my life right now because I feel a huge burden in my heart to pray over them and watch the Lord reveal himself in both things. Last night, as I lie in bed, I couldn't sleep without addressing these two things first. I really labored over them in prayer pleading with God and reminding him of His promises and truth He left with me in Scriptures. Hey if Habakkuk could pray reminding God of what's up, I took the same liberty :)
So, as I went to bed asking for revelation, I had a dream. Wow! Love when He responds. My dream was very unsettling and quite contrary to what I had been asking for. But as the day progressed and I continued to pray through my dream, I realized something very important tonight. God is taking baby steps with me. My dream is step 1. The dream showed to me a barrier I have in my heart preventing me from moving forward to what I'm seeking Him about. In the dream, I saved this person. But I didn't receive the credit for it, and this person moved on. And I was upset. Why didn't I get the credit?! Praying through this, I saw that I've been subconsciously trying to save this person in real life as well. And salvation doesn't belong in my hands. It's in the hands of God. God asked me to surrender this person to Him. Also, the dream showed me new ways He needs to still heal my heart. Lecrae had a tweet earlier saying that "forgiving the people that hurt us most allows us to heal from the wounds they left". In light of my dream, this is so right on. God wants us to forgive, because the Spirit's primary purpose in us is the work of unification. And if we are unrepentant or unforgiving, we grieve the Spirit because we are aligning with evil in working against the unification work of the Spirit.
As I wade through the murky waters of what it's like to forgive genuinely those that hurt us most, I find myself bothered by fears. My mind instantly races into What if this...? What if that..? style questions tag teaming with questions like well, "why did this happen?" or "what was the point of that?" "couldn't we have skipped that God?" But in the midst of my chaotic churning, He slows my rapidly beating heart with a still whisper, "I know. And justice is Mine. I AM sufficient- I am the giver of dreams, not fears, and I WILL do something with your future that you wouldn't believe".
When that settled deep into my aching soul, I began to do something I find truly a balm to my soul... I wrote a letter to myself from God... words He has for me. And as I wrote this letter to me, He gave me two pictures. First was a picture of a beautiful white dove soaring in the open air high above the tumultous sea with the sun's light blindingly streaming down among the white fluffy clouds. Feeling the wind whipping gently against the feathers and tranquility permeating the dove's tender glide through the beautiful colors acting as the backdrop to the journey. The second was a picture of God calling me to come sit in His lap like the little girl I am. He gently combed my wet hair like a good Daddy does to his princess, and listened to my mindless chatter of my dreams and fears. He wasn't worried about time. He just responded simply, "Daughter, I'm painting your skies the most beautiful colors I have- just sit here and trust".
Why do I share this?
I think it's so easy to get caught up in "What's God's will for my life?" I often find myself hoping I have figured "this will" out so that I can please Him. I get scared of living the wrong life, or walking down the wrong path. I don't want to disappoint him. I have fears over little things like being able to carry on in where I'm at now. Or I'm constantly weighing my feelings against what I feel in my soul that He's told me to do. But then, He stops me dead in my tracks and shows me more of His Wondrous Glory in my class assignment of all things. See I'm writing this paper on the book "He that is Spiritual" by Lewis Chafer. And I swear I underlined the whole book cuz it's so good and full of such truth. But there were a few parts that really ministered to me and really made me re-examine all the "happenings" in my life.
"Divine leading is by the Spirit who indwells the Christian. It follows, therefore, that true leading, in this dispensation, will be more by an inner consciousness than by outward signs. After we have faithfully met the conditions for a spiritual life, we have the "mind of the Spirit". He is both able to convince us of what is wrong and to impart a clear conviction as to what is right. Because of our present unique relation to the Spirit, it is hardly necessary, or wise, to depend much on "fleeces" or a "pillar of cloud"; though sometimes He may lead through these external things. It is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure. We must learn the reality of the indwelling Spirit and what it means to "walk" in Him." -Chafer
And as I sit on this, meditating on the truth of what I've read and synthesizing it for my class paper, I see Him changing my heart. Moving me to trust the inner Spirit He has put inside of me. Not so much on external "signs" as just an inward prompting to move this way or that. To quiet the flesh and listen intently for His voice. Because the truth is, each Christian knows the sound of His voice. We heard it when we first were called to Him. He calls each of His sheep.. "the sheep know the voice of their Shepherd" as John 10 talks about. God leads us every step of the way. Maybe sometimes it feels less direct than other times, but meditate on who your Shepherd is, and He will show you how He's been leading you the whole way. Even now He calls us to listen and trust that we are following His voice... because we have the Holy Spirit given to us. I just want to encourage y'all, He is with you guiding you every step of the way. And He loves you. Just loves you so much. Let Him romance you along this heartbreaking road of life here as we take one step closer to the most beautiful promise of eternity each new day.
"Here inside your Presence, we are taken by the Wonder of You" -Jesus Culture
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