Love Sparkles

"God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says "I loveGod", yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: whoever loves God, must also love his brother" [1 John 4:16-21]

Hearing this passage repetitively growing up, it's main points have been written on my heart. Recently, the Spirit has brought it to the forefront of my mind. My short stint in Dallas has already yielded so much growth. I have been learning a lot about God's love, and His love in me. To put it simply: Seminary has kicked my feet out from under me and I have landed hard on my bum. It's been nothing short of painful, scary, and foundation shaking.

Many people have negative opinions about attending Seminary. There are arguments that it will take away the heart of your faith, or it will strip your faith and only give you a bunch of head knowledge. But I don't think any of those opinionated people have actually attended a full semester of seminary. I couldn't disagree more with them.

So how has seminary affected me thus far? Well, there really isn't anything that hasn't been affected by it yet. In my classes, the wisdom/experience of my professors in devoting their lives to theology,  are simply living in "faith seeking understanding", leading me to follow suit. I have found seminary to be my journey of my faith seeking understanding as well. Revelation is the source of theology, and the source of revelation is from God through multiple different avenues... scripture, culture, experience etc. Our understanding of God is always going to be finite and contextualized. But, we still get the incredible gift of simply sitting under the faucet  as He turns on the water, revealing to us more and more of Him. And I love Him. So so much :)

As I've shared before, I really miss home. I have become really insecure in being here simply because everything about my thoughts, my foundations, my ideas are being shaken and challenged! Come on!! :) My insecurities are the symptoms of fears. My worries and fears are the symptoms of the main root of the problem, I truly have the most limited understanding of God's love for me and for His creation. The passage above is beautiful because it says that there is NO fear in love. Yet, I have lived alot of my life in fear without knowing it.

I truly saw this for the first time this semester. In one of my psychology classes, part of our curriculum are the activities "change labs". These "change labs" are basically where we process about one hour a week through our lives in whatever capacity that might look. Essentially it's like self-therapy. And as most of my colleagues will testify, change labs are hard. You think you are addressing one issue in your life, and really all your doing is basically pulling the first monkey out in a long line of monkeys from a barrel. The issues keep coming as you keep digging deeper. Well, there's really no true hope of surviving seminary unscathed when this is just ONE of your assignments. Dang.

So I processed. I found hard things. I am an achiever who seeks for people to accept/like the image that I display. I'm not a people pleaser because I don't want to satisfy others, but I want others to be satisfied with my "ideal Courtney"- whoever I choose that to be. Then, I found that alot of this and "my achievement" is coupled with a great desire in me to not disappoint those I care most about. I've somewhat always battled a fear of disappointing my parents, or my family. And the other day, I asked myself, "Why are you having a hard time with this decision Courtney?" (a decision I'd been contemplating for awhile) And my answer shocked me! I said "because I'm afraid of getting to Heaven only to find that I've completely disappointed God, and that He looks at my life and says, 'that's all you did with your life?'"

The truth is that this way of thinking is only the symptom of the problem. The cause of the symptom is that I don't understand God's love and His grace. First, NONE of my achievement would ever please Him. No matter what life I choose to live, His love and joy in me as His daughter will never ever be merited. The second thing, true love, His love, casts out fear. There is no need to be afraid of His reaction if I take to heart the truth of the passage above. God's love is not one that causes fear in us. If it is fear you deal with, it is not of God.

Recognizing this is hard. Who wants to face facts that the real cause of sin is at the core of their "identity"? But more truth is that we will never be free of this until either He comes back for us or we die, both liberating us from our flesh. The flesh is what causes us to fail in truly, and wholly understanding God's grace. I mean, really, how beautiful is His grace and love for us?!

We can't do anything. We are helpless. We are incapable apart from Him. And I fail to see this day in and day out because throughout my life, I have been evaulated. I have had to achieve. I've earned my marks in school, I've competed in every sport earning trophies and ribbons, and I've even memorized loads of scripture growing up to receive this trinket or that piece of candy. I'm consistently evaluated and achievement is built in me. This is not part of a Heavenly culture.

The culture of Heaven is based on one evaluation and achievement. "For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight without blemish and free from accusation- if you continue in your faith established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel" [Colossians 1:19-23]

I don't fully grasp this- nor will I, until I am re-united with the One who made me for Himself. Who created me to be with Him. And as I go through my days on earth that have already been marked by His hand, my heart aches for the only true place I belong- right there with Him- in eternity.


So part of what I'm learning from the 1 John passage listed at the beginning, comes from learning of His true love and grace for me. The second big thing I'm taking away is that there is inevitable heartbreak in this world especially for Christians. As the passage says, if you love God, you love your brother. Love is hard. It is hard because as a Christian, you have God's love in you. With that, it is impossible to not love others. There are people that hurt you and leave the deepest cuts on your soul and heart, but there still remains a failure to cling to any bitter or angry feeling toward them. Because you are possessed by His love. This love changes everything. You are a victim of love. I'm incapable of truly clinging to my distaste of others simply because His love compels me to still love something about that person who hurt me or is mean to me. I have a love-hate relationship with this. Sometimes it seems more satisfying to cling to bitterness, anger or strife, but those are taken from us as we find ourselves only consumed with His love. What this means to me: I, inevitably, will have my heart broken time and time again. Because I'm created to be a lover. Lover's hearts get torn, broken, mistreated, and rejected. The world doesn't know how to always respond to true love. But we are His ambassadors, and love is the language we have been sent to speak.

As I continue learning about His true love, I ask that His love flows more purely and easily out of me onto those that I encounter.

Have y'all ever thought how much a simple smile can turn around a day? In my cloudiest moments, or times of anger with a loved one, too often to count, a beautiful/genuine smile from that person I'm upset with will melt the heart of stone I've let form. Today I was encouraged by a facebook post to love my neighbor with a smile. And I smiled at strangers I passed when I typically will avert my eyes to the ground so as to not have an awkward eye encounter.... and you know what, each time the other person lit up and responded with a smile of their own!! Needless to say smiling so much today gave me a pep in my step and a sparkle in my eye... and THAT's the kinda day I'd like everyday!

Who knows what we all have going on inside... perhaps inner turmoil. Perhaps an overflowing fountain of joy. Whatever the case may be, I was called to love. Love to me is not averting my eyes, living in solidarity. Love to me is smiling the beautiful smile He's given me because my smile speaks His hope and love that can salve the deepest wounds. Smile tomorrow, living as a love ambassador on behalf of the first one to truly love you. Because He loves you. He died for you, and He wants you to understand more of His character than the injustice we do to His character through our contextualized understanding we've manifested.

I'm learning to let go of my understanding and embrace more and more truth... Truth changes you from the inside out. My identity comes from Christ. I'm living with Heavenly culture eyes. After all, I'm not truly a citizen of this world.

xoxo